01. 11. 2011.

2 am, sleeping boy I was, so tired but woken up by the expecting news.

You fell out of your body and flew upwards and all I could do was listen. I don’t remember if I cried right away or not, I just remember knowing that I expected it, but I just kept thinking ” I didn’t spend enough time, not enough time. “.

6 years ago, 6 fucking years ago. I never forgot about you and I wish I had appreciated you more before it was too late.

I still have your funeral directory. I remember touching your cold hand. As I was looking at you so still and so quiet, I remember feeling like you were about to pop up. I kept wishing that you were going to pop up and tell me that it was some practical joke and that you were right there with us and not just your spirit.

I was jealous of the boys being able to carry your coffin because I was a ” girl ” and girls don’t carry them. But I wanted to honour you and mom was dissapointed in what i was wearing.

I loved and love you, I can’t believe it’s been this long. On my way home, I had the song Coming Home by One Republic playing on repeat and I was so sad. It had no attachment or significance to your life then, but now it does and it reminds me of how sad I was.

I spent more time with you near the end than I did in a very long time.

Almost 6 years ago, I love you

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